You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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