I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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