____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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