I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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