Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
