why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
