i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
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