last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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