Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
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