One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
