you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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