I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize