my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
