I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You're earring is so big in my mouth
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
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