I love black thongs
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
