everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
