Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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