There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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