oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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