I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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