Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize