Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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