as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
