I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
