Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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