my soul wont recognize me after tonight
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize