someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
