Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
