I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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