3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
