I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
