Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize