im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Randomize
