Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
