I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
