just tell him i said nine months
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
