I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
