wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My penis needs a shock collar
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
