You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
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