He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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