$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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