I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
