I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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