I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
