I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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