im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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