You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
