I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
