pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
