Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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