He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
