We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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