She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
