the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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