i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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