so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
