oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
